One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
