She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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