I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
