I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
