Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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