Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
