woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
