I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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