I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
