I think my vagina is haunted
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We had to coat check the pizza.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You ruined the universe
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
