He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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