there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
