he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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