I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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