I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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