the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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