I cannot find my penis.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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