ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
