Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
4 words: hood of his car
she smelled like a LAN party
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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