I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
