New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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