More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
