we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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