I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
