Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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