he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
