i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
