Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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