Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
