when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
