I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
