wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
