On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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