i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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