come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
