There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
