Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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