just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
