I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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