im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
