that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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