I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
