I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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