My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
