Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
