I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
