I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
