My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
