3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
