Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
