I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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